“When people know you too well, they eventually see your damage, your weirdness, carelessness, and mean streak. They see how ordinary you are after all, that whatever it was that distinguished you in the beginning is the least of who you actually are. This will turn out to be the greatest gift we can offer another person: letting them see, every so often, beneath all the trappings and pretense to the truth of us.”
― Anne Lamott, Dusk, Night, Dawn: On Revival and Courage

I love the word: queer. It’s a word that explains my sexuality and my being. The word represents my own personal struggle to fit in. Yet, in public spaces, I identify as a gay male. In private, I think my male identity is unraveling into something I didn’t expect. I am much more than a man who is attracted to men.

American culture continues to grapple with a non-heterosexual lifestyles. If studies are correct, only 10% of the population identify themselves as part of the LGTBQIA+ community. In any marginalized group, they question the dominant social class. From my own understanding of queer history, activists continually fight for better representation, treatment and morality. And we’re in this era where many people are listening.

My queer journey begins and ends with love. I’ve learned to feel shame for loving men. I’ve learned to feel guilt for having sex with men, irregardless of my marital status. I am a slow unlearner. It’s painful to learn to love myself because I am grappling with all of the ways in which I have self-inflicted trauma. My mental and emotional health suffer because of these choices. Yet, I know I can work through the pain, slowly. Because of the lack of self-love, I went to others for love. As Ru Paul says, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

What does internal love and external love look like? I don’t know, but I am learning to recognize the bad parts, which is “superficial love” that only deals with looks, status and prestige. Love that comes from inside us seems to only come from a supernatural place. I think I’ve experienced Their love. It’s overwhelming.

My first response is to burn everything down. But that isn’t always the right thing to do. As I lean into loving myself, I find I can love others in a wholistic way. My queer journey helped me learn to ask questions. I also learned to not be afraid of the unknown.

I have limits. I am speaking out in hopes that others feel less alone. We heal when we reveal what’s inside of us. Everyone has a faith crisis. My queer journey helped me to see myself from the outside looking in. I am weak and powerless.

Please, take baby steps. I have to constantly remind myself this phrase.