Self-Destruction
On a cold winter night in the Upper West Side of New York City, I almost killed myself. As I write this blog, I try to answer the question: Why? Most of all, why could I not do it?
My brain feels like an Amazon packing facility: there’s so much going on and employees get eaten alive in the corporate culture to work, work, work. I’m overwhelmed. When I get anxious, I overthink things. So, I’m oscillating between the phrases: I don’t know and I don’t understand.
I don’t know why I get so depressed.
I don’t understand how my sadness overpowers happy feelings.
I don’t know why I stayed silent as my therapist asked if I would hurt myself.
I don’t understand how I survived 3 days in a psyche ward.
I don’t know why I am the way I am.
I don’t understand how relationships bring peace.
I don’t know why I isolate myself.
I don’t understand my true purpose in this world.
I don’t know why being humble and simple brings peace.
I don’t understand how to help others before helping myself.
I don’t know why complex and nuanced thinking is shunned.
I don’t understand how outside beauty is desired so much.
I don’t know why…
I don’t understand…
I have my identity wrapped into a minuscule experience. But my former therapist told me: “The only way out is through.”
I have a journal entry dated Sunday, December 4, 2016, two days before being admitted to the hospital. I watched a gay movie, Looking, a comedic-drama series based in the San Fransisco area.
What did I learn from the Looking movie. I think I need friends first. That’s the first step. I’m getting stressed out and I’m looking for sex right now. I need to stop that and do the work that I need to do.
The end of the semester was just around the corner. I was overwhelmed with all the projects and assignments to complete. It’s my fault I signed up for a sadomasochist computer science class. From what I heard, students could call themselves ‘real programmers’ after passing the class. There was so much pressure to succeed and perform.
I’m going to write to a gay prisoner. That’s one thing I’m going to do.
As strange as this sounds, I remember googling information about gay prisoners because in my pretentious mind, I reasoned no one would want them. I also believed that no one wanted me. So, getting together with another unwanted people sounded like the perfect plan to find love. I was desperate for love.
What would that mean if I reached out to one of the most loneliest people in the world. I’m not sure what that would mean. Should I date someone that’s in jail. I don’t even know how to make friends. That’s another thing. I would like to have a best friend and then some. I’m not sure what that would mean. I should do something else in the future. I Think that would be fun and interesting to do.
Loneliness is scary. I didn’t cope well with being alone so much of my time in college. It’s a paradox: I don’t want to be alone, but I also didn’t want to be disappointed by people. The loneliness felt easier to handle than witnessing the agonizing things people say about those that are different. As a hypersensitive person, I always felt attacked. Years later, I’m learning how unhealthy it is to believe the world is against you.
I need to remember that people are not always nice. That’s another thing to remember. It’s so weird to think about how my outlook on life is changing. I believe I had a lot of innocence about the world.
I kept my distance from people. One thing that hasn’t change from my college experience is I still feel like a foreigner everywhere. Even though the world is painful, relating to other people’s pain helps me know I am not alone.
I would like to become a writer. I’m a type of writer in this weird world.
I think writing saved me. Writing continues to save me. I don’t know how far I’ll go with my writing. I just stick to the daily habit of writing no matter how I feel.
I people watch sometimes. I like seeing little things that go unnoticed and then I write about the experience. Sue Monk Kidd, the writer of the Secret Life of Bees said, “Pay attention.” I’m trying to pay better attention to the needs of those who are in pain. I can fix them, but I can just be there. We are not alone.
I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure what that would mean. I need to develop lasting relationships in the future. I think that would be the main thing to remember. I’m not sure how that will come across to people. I like people and I like being in the presence of people. Why do I have a headache right now? I’m not sure. I’m going to delete my facebook indefinitely. I’m not going to get on social media for a really long time.
In college, I was so lonely. I don’t even know how I survived. But I think there was someone higher helping me out. I am sure I ignored those feelings of divine love, but know, I feel better knowing I don’t have control over things that worried me in college. I can only control myself. I’m starting small and leaning into building relationships with others.